Wednesday 2 November 2016

after the second session

I don't trust my counsellor.

no, that's not right. I trust her in some ways. I trust that she will keep the session confidential, and I trust that she thinks she's listening. she just doesn't understand.

I came out, sort of. I said I was bi & in a poly relationship. I tried to talk about the gap between talking to well intentioned but clueless straight people, and my fellow queers. it's not that my coursemates are actively queerphobic, but using "man" as shorthand for "partner or potential partner" assumes heterosexuality. adding "...or woman or whatever" when talking to me, as one coursemate does, is somehow worse.

I tried to explain how I feel I should educate my coursemates, so that they will be able to effectively support queer clients, and that I really don't know how to do that. because I know the queer community has appalling mental health statistics, and know some of the horror stories from those who've tried to get help from clueless mental health professionals.

she just wanted to know if I was scared to come out to her, and was very keen to explain that counsellors had to accept all kinds of people so sexuality doesn't matter. she didn't care that any fears I might have came from a rational place, or about the gulf of difference between "oh, of course I'm fine with that" and actually feeling heard & accepted.

I wasn't scared to come out, because I'm not that vulnerable right now. I'm in counselling because having 6 sessions of personal counselling is a course requirement, rather than because I need it. in any other situation, I would be nervous because coming out is always a risk.

and she kinda proved that point. being queer is highly significant, as is the gap between the real world and ideal counselling practise. telling me "it doesn't matter because counsellors have to accept all kinds of difference" dismisses both that gap and the significance of my relationships and community.

I don't know what that means for session 3, except that I won't be coming out as Autistic. that's a bigger risk than being queer.

Monday 8 August 2016

"are you OK?"

it's important to communicate clearly. say what you mean and mean what you say. otherwise you've got no right to complain.

but social conditioning is a thing. processing speed is a thing. fear is a thing.

"yes, I'm fine". maybe. I'm fine, or I don't want to talk about it, or I don't want to talk to you about it, or you've triggered my social script and generated a useless answer.

ask if I'm sure, or don't. it's more accurate, but it was my fuckup not yours.

"yes", "I don't want to talk about it", "no"

OR "you remember yesterday I said...."

...but what about your social conditioning? your processing speed? your fears?

how far can I go? if I ask "do you hug?" will the tears in my eyes manipulate you into acceptance? if I ask for a kiss, will your past scare you into it, or affection for me mute your objection?

how would I know? and how do I balance what I want with not knowing?

Wednesday 6 April 2016

today I'm scared.

today I'm scared.

I'm scared I'll fail my course, I'm scared of Brexit, and I'm scared about the conference I'm going to this weekend.

I know the conference fear is irrational. it'll be good, or, if not, it's in Edinburgh. I can fuck off and do antisocial Edinburgh tourist stuff.

Brexit is terrifying. it'd be easy to assume we'll stay and it'll be fine. I haven't met anyone who understands the difference between the European parliament and the European court of human rights, and also wants to leave. and therein lies the problem. a lot of people want out over petty shit that a. is nothing to do with the EU or b. is an EU policy we'd have to follow if we want to trade with them, in or out.

failing isn't an option. it isn't. the cost is too high. I can't face being without a plan again. I can't face my own brain after failing a level 2 course.

to pass, I need to meet 23 criteria across 7 units. I need to meet each criteria twice. that's 46 times my tutor has to say "yes". so far, I have 7 from 5 week's homework. I think I've done more. I honestly don't understand why the others were wrong. I should have at least 10.

our coursework consists of 11 weekly learning reviews, 2 learning summaries, an essay, and any peer assessments we choose to include. we're only supposed to attempt 1-2 criteria per page, with maximum word counts of 1000 (less than 2 pages) for each learning review & summary, and 2000 for the essay. 46 minus 7 gives me 39 criteria to hit. if I attempt the maximum of 4 in the remaining learning reviews & both learning summaries, that's 32. I have space to attempt another 8 in the essay. that's a margin for error of 1.

...and that's assuming I can make myself write the fucking learning summary. to do that, I have to write down really personal stuff about my motivations to be a counsellor. I then have to hand it in to my tutor who I don't trust, so she can read it and, as far as I make out, flip a coin to decide if it meets criteria. I've tried asking where I've gone wrong, and I get a pissed off "go read the criteria". um, I did. she's said she won't answer emails between classes, so we shouldn't email her for any reason other than to notify her of absences. if I can't contact her between classes, and she can't be bothered in class, I don't know what to do to make sure I get it "right" (whatever "right" means)

I'm probably going to fail, right?

Saturday 13 February 2016

cat memes and competence

so, a meme came up on my facebook feed...

When petting cats be sure not to activate their murder button
...fuck right off.

there is another, older meme/t-shirt slogan...(that didn't appear on the first page of the google search)

"cat communication is not defective dog communication"

...and us Autistics, felines and assorted others do NOT have "murder buttons".

an incomplete list of Autistics & cats I've shared my life with would include 1 relative, 1 ex partner, 8 I've shared a bed with, 9 I've shared a bedroom with, 11 I've lived with for at least 2 years each, 3 classmates and my union representative. in all my exposure to these individuals, I've never known a single one of them swipe without warning.

I've known a lot of them give "no" and "stop" signals that I swear could be seen from space and understood perfectly by any alien civilisation that might be watching at the time. I've seen these signals ignored by people who claim to love them. fuck that shit.

oh, and we're not above doing it to each other. I saw one name on that hypothetical list turn another upside down against her wishes about an hour ago. he wouldn't put her down, even when I pointed out that she didn't like 1. being upside down & 2. being brought into that specific room.

I know sometimes we have to go to the vets/dentists/wear collars etc. but most of the time? ignoring the signals is a matter of preference for those who have power over us.

(as for how I feel about having my neurology used to question my species? I'm not sure. I get what they're getting at, but I'm no less human than anyone else)

Friday 5 February 2016

on bacon sandwiches

I've been having a bad time with SPD lately. here is an attempt at a user manual for the trends in my SPD issues.

("trends" in the sense of patterns in the data, there is nothing fashionable about SPD)

firstly, humans have 8 senses (actually, many more, but 8 is enough for our purposes). these are:

1. sight
2. hearing
3. smell
4. touch
5. taste
6. proprioception (where your body parts are in relation to each other. feedback comes from muscles)
7. balance (which way up you are. feedback comes from inner ears)
8. introception (feedback from organs. are you hungry? need to pee?)

the senses that act up for me are smell, touch, taste, proprioception & introception. balance seems unaffected. noise (and strobe lighting) is a problem, but only because it uses extra bandwidth I don't have.

introception (as it relates to food) is basically fucked. I might think I should be hungry because it's 2pm and lunch hasn't happened, but I won't feel it.

proprioception doesn't directly relate to food. if food isn't happening, certain proprioception-seeking behaviours look like a bad idea. I'll probably do them anyway, because running up stairs feels good.

taste is closest-to-normal of all the food related senses, but may be under-stimulated in the moment due to compromise with other senses. I'm likely to want low-smell strong flavours (sharp/salty/sweet/chilli...) alongside plainer foods.

texture is difficult. there isn't enough texture vocabulary to explain. bread is generally bad. 1 wrong texture makes that food inedible, so mono-textured foods are safer. sometimes, certain foods only have an acceptable texture when hot. liquids are sometimes easier than solids, but not coffee. coffee fucks with introception on good days, I don't want to know what it does on bad days.

generally, if my senses are off everything smells stronger. this means exciting food smells are gross.

then there is the other stuff...

nutritional content matters. protein can be hard, but I tend to feel better if I can eat some. fruit is a safe bet, but won't make me more functional on it's own.

also, we're fighting a lot of social conditioning. asking if I'm OK will get a scripted auto-response most of the time. ask something weird. "fish fingers and custard?" doesn't have a script (and due to headcannon, is SPD related in my brain). asking about specific senses might also work (but not introception. introception is fucked).

and then there's the wider social issues. the reason it's hard for me to bring this stuff up. the reason why it's almost impossible for other people. I don't know how to write this. if I write about my experience without acknowledging how I have it easier than my friend, that sucks. but if I speak for them, that might be worse.

the short version? no, you don't really wish you had broken introception to make dieting easier, so don't say it. also, us SPDers come in a wide range of sizes. be the safe person for the SPDer(s) in your life.