Monday, 10 June 2013

my brain wants to mess with me. BRING IT ON!

my therapist says I'm depressed.

that sentence says a lot of really positive things:
1. I have a therapist
2. I have no shame
3. there is hope that life will get better
4. erm, well, I'm sure there are more. or maybe it just feels like there should be more because they're so big...

ok, this post is going to be about me starting CBT. it feels like there might be a lot of posts related to this subject coming up. I'm not sure who I'm warning about that, as far as I know this blog has a maximum of 2 semi regular readers, but there it is.

I had my first appointment on friday, and (read most of) the information today. the idea behind CBT seems to be that depressed people do less because they have less energy, which makes them feel useless, which makes them more if we can break that cycle, we'd feel better.

once this is pointed out, it seems ridiculously obvious. why the fuck didn't I just do that, rather than do all the painful hoop-jumping needed to get access to an NHS therapist? but that's kinda the point. it would never have occurred to me because my brain is screwed up and that's not my fault. so I need this help, and thats ok. I don't feel guilty for the taxpayers money spent on sorting out my fucked up head. if this money wasn't spent, I'd never be capable of productive work and therefore (assuming I have a right to exist) this is much cheaper than any alternative.

so, with that in mind, today I have tidied my bedroom (mostly, I have reclaimed my bed at least), called the vocational support dude (phonecalls are hard...), drunk tea (lets pretend that counts as "productive"), written this blog post and set my first "SMART" goal.

my first goal is to get up by 9am every day. to do this, I plan to go to bed before midnight and set an alarm on my phone. this will make me feel better by giving me more time to do all the other things I need/want to do. it will also encourage mum to be more productive in the projects we have to do together, like sewing or making the room over the garage a functional space again.

hopefully this will allow me to set more goals for other bits of life that need to change:

1. my friends. I love you all dearly, and I'm genuinely grateful to all of you for putting up with me and my dysfunctional brain. with all due respect, fuck that sideways with a pineapple. I happily "put up with" yours, and would hate to think you had to feel grateful to me for that. I am as worthy of your friendship as you are of mine and, even if I don't always grok that, I know it and I hope to make it a part of my lived reality.

2. learning. I feel powerful when I'm learning new things. I want to feel that more. here is a list of things I want to learn:

more maths! - I will continue with the graph theory for now, then find another subject to occupy that part of my mind. I might even learn programming.

driving - I will talk to the grownups about restarting lessons.

life drawing - I feel that this is a shameful gap in my arts & crafts skills.

3. I am an adult. or, failing that, I am an adult sized human at least. therefore I shouldn't be completely dependant on my parents. getting financial independence is a long way off, but in the mean time I should be helping mum around the house.

4. work. I want to at least be capable of active jobseeking. this one is big & scary right now, but hopefully I'll be more able to deal with it after I've done some of the other stuff.

hopefully, this is the start of a long term change in my thinking, which will lead to long term changes in my doing, which will lead to long term changes in my life...

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