Tuesday, 14 November 2017

I'm not a unicorn, I'm a werewolf.

in the fifth elephant, Angua tells Carrot the wolves don't trust her. he's surprised, he assumes they see her as a wolf. she explains that she can pass for a human among humans, or as a wolf among humans, but not with wolves. she looks like a human, or she looks like a wolf, but she always smells like a werewolf.

I am a werewolf.

I mention my girlfriend, and straight people see a gay wolf, draped in rainbows & howling at the moon.

...or I don't say anything. I'm femme, or sometimes too lazy to have a style, but never butch. I only look queer if you really know what you're looking for. so, they see a straight human.

I am werewolf. hear me howl.

I'm never gay enough for the wolves, though. at a gay club or at pride, it's "are you a real lesbian?" (no. not a fake one either. HOWOOOOO!) or "what the fuck is that?" (you what?! I'm not a "that". I'm not much of a "fuck" either...).

...or maybe I come out as Autistic. that one's more subtle. allistics generally refuse to see that one while I'm holding it together. I'm in allistic human form, until I'm not. then I'm all wolf, incapable of understanding, dangerous to myself and others.

I haven't found my place in that wolf pack either. I try, but every group has the same thing. a few days after I find that facebook group that I hoped would fit, there is some dude who wants a girlfriend but has no idea that she is not a trophy. she's a Real Human Being (or wolf. or werewolf.) who wants to develop a reciprocal relationship. his moaning about everyone he's ever met being "ablest" by refusing to give him a chance? that's showing her she can't get that here so she moves on. even worse, the "how DARE you call it a disability!?" crowd. what, you don't want to talk about the difficult parts? you want to throw away the meagre support available to us? and you want to shut down all conversations on that because you're offended by the word "disability"? wow. a few more like that and I move on. this isn't the place for the big conversations. I can't crowdsource coping strategies for executive functioning, or build a realistic plan for the future in this cesspit.

so I run with the werewolves. neurodivergent purple werewolves under glittering stars. I am werewolf, hear me howl.

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