sensory life - RED INSTEAD 10

I've written about sensory stuff on here before, when trying to make sense of the issues and come up with some practical solutions.

I'm not sure re-hashing my specific sensory profile here is productive. I seek some, I avoid some, I get confused when stress makes me avoid something I usually seek or vica virca.

the most infuriating thing is that I had to make sense of it on my own. if I attempt to crowd source answers, I get a whole lot of "if your child does X, Y might help". fine, parents need help too, but:

- every time I read the words "your child", it's a reminder that people like me don't matter to the experts.

- many issues that I have as an adult are ignored. "your child" might have issues with food & clothing, but they probably don't have to cook for themselves or go to job interviews. there probably are ways to make formal clothing more comfortable, but I can't google them because everything is so kid-focused so I have to work everything out for myself.

favourite autistic owned business - RED INSTEAD 9

I...erm...I have no idea.

favourite autistic blog - RED INSTEAD 8

Radical Neurodivergence Speaking. hands down.

autistic community? - RED INSTEAD 7

just over a year ago, I'd have said I was still looking for my place in the autistic community.

there are fabulous bloggers who give me glimpses of what it could be. who's writing feels like coming home. who want us to do better.

then there is every group I've found. they fall into one of 2 types, the information hub and the social group. information hubs are fine and useful, but they're not community. social groups have positive moments, but regularly descend into self pity, toxic masculinity or ablesm.

I will never find a home in an autistic space that isn't also feminist and actively queer friendly. it's so easy to build spaces that support creepy behaviour by autistic men, because maybe he doesn't know any better. as a woman who uses public transport, for my own safety I need to assume strange men who keep talking to me when I'm alone and clearly uncomfortable are dangerous. too many groups protect the feelings of an accidental creep over my feelings of safety AND his opportunity to learn not to be accidentally creepy.

after a particularly disastrous attempt to find community (where an event organiser accused me of being ablest because I complained about being harassed by one of the regulars), I realised something. I have my autistic community. it's called BiCon. it's a real, meat space community full of autistics. it's not meant to be, but because of all their work on accessibility over the years (and the relatively high number of autistics who are queer) a disproportionate number of regular attendees are autistic. we can have the big, "me too!" conversations, stim openly and socialise on our own terms. we can come home.

I love you, BiCon.

supports and appreciation - RED INSTEAD 6

so, this prompt is about the supportive people in my life.

support doesn't always look like you'd expect. my parents support me, but it doesn't feel like it. my boss supports me, but it doesn't look like it.

my parents do almost everything for me, and I am ashamed of that. I'm ashamed that I live with them, and we've fallen into the pattern where mum does (almost) all of the cooking and laundry. I'm happy to do those things, provided I can make them work for my wonky brain. the problem is, any slight modification to mum's non-system will be rejected. I suggest a "Tuesday is laundry day" type system, because "undergarment emergency day is laundry day" doesn't work for family laundry (cos I'm not going to monitor dad's supply of clean pants. just no.) and she says that's "too complicated". it's literally less "complicated" than keeping track of everyone's pants, wtf?

my boss can't do everything for me. she's disabled and spends most of her time in bed. my job is to cook dinner for us, help her get ready to go to sleep, and stay at her house overnight in case of emergency (and miscellaneous other things). what she does do to support me is prompt me to start cooking so we eat dinner at a sensible time. I can do all the steps needed to produce reasonably tasty and nutritious meals, but left to my own devices I wouldn't manage to actually do that reliably.

if it was left up to me, I would regularly forget to eat until I felt dizzy, but I don't because (at my parent's) food is provided for me and (at work) I have someone asking "what's for dinner?". both are support for this particular executive functioning issue. I'm not fully independent in either situation, but at work I feel closer to it because at least I'm an active member of our team, doing the bits I can do.

so, maybe that's the difference between support that feels supportive and support that breeds resentment. I don't want servants, I need team mates.

special interests - RED INSTEAD 5

ugh. why? "special" interests.

the term is strangely loaded.

I'm supposed to have that one true obsession. be the expert on that thing. whichever side of the great tragedy/neurodiversity divide, the "special interest" is the cornerstone of autistic culture.

what is my Special interest?

well, this post could go 2 ways.

as a kid, I had to learn the hard way that friends shouldn't be Special Interests. I don't want to write about that, but maybe I should? maybe I will, some day.

the other thing I can think of is my crafting. it's not the typical, obsessively-memorising-facts way to have a Special Interest, but I am a sort-of expert in my preferred media. I know a lot of knitting terminology. I can freeform crochet with a hook fine enough to pass through my ear piercing. I know how to shift colour in 3 dimensions, and build forms that amaze my fellow polymer clay artists. when I grow up, I want to look like Iris Apfel except with all the bright things made by me (and some people in the community have worked this out, and said I look like a younger version of her at workshops).

betting relationships on acceptance - RED INSTEAD 4

it's telling that our community uses "coming out" as a term. as a queer autistic woman, queer coming-outs (and conversations about them) have helped immensely with neurodivergent coming-outs. I was diagnosed young, so neurodivergent coming-outs began long before I was able to understand the implications. when speaking to someone I'm not out to, they have a certain set of expectations about me. unfortunately, the set of expectations that is applied to heterosexual and neurotypical people is a lot more respectful than the set of expectations applied to someone like me. I have a femme gender presentation, and am capable of masking my neurology, so am read as straight & neurotypical unless they know better. on the other hand, I can't challenge those expectations from a closet, and there is a personal cost to maintaining their illusion...

...so, it's a delicate balancing act. how likely are they to respect me afterwards? do they have authority over me? how much time do I expect to spend with them? a new friend my own age is much lower risk than an elderly relative. a course mate is lower risk than a tutor. coming out as queer is lower risk than neurodivergent...

it's usually worth the risk for me.

I've come out nervously, after weeks of deliberation.

I've come out without a moment's consideration.

I've been outed without consent.

I've asked my parents to out me to extended family.

I've come out at various times as a lesbian, bisexual, asexual, autistic & dyspraxic, and one of those things is not like the others. guess which one?

yep. lesbian. let me explain.

"coming out" isn't the one-off coming of age event for queer youth that middle-aged straight people think it is. when you come out as a lesbian, you will need to (decide if you want to) come out again when you meet new people. each time, you're gambling. you want to be closer, so you bet the current relationship on this person's acceptance. or maybe you decide it's not worth it right now. it's a lifelong process.

all the other identities I've experienced coming out? they're also lifelong. the difference is that you'll have to keep coming out to the same people. got a new partner? Que a second/third/8th coming out as BISEXUAL to your parents because they're a different gender from your ex. it doesn't matter how often you explain sensory issues or executive functioning, or ask someone not to use offensive language about your neurology, most people don't believe you. or don't care. or both. I mostly don't bother with coming out as asexual at all any more...

...it's infuriating. but it's still better than not trying. mostly.