Schrodinger-single!

I've been reading a lot of blogs, and now think I'm aromantic.

this answers some questions, most importantly why I fall in love on a geological timescale, and raises a whole lot more, mostly around the definition of "romance"and "romantic attraction".

here are some things I feel sure of:

- sex-repulsed is basically my default setting. if someone, of any gender, tries to get sexual with me, my instinct is to run away. it doesn't matter who it is, and the urge to escape is just as strong for a pretty acquaintance as it is for my baby brother.

- my sex-repulsion only applies to actual sexual contact involving me. there is nothing repulsive about other people's sex lives, or porn, or kink, or....(as long as it exclusively involves consenting adults, with or without inanimate objects) (actually, certain aspects of other people's sex lives are fascinating)

- occasionally, someone will get past my sexual repulsion. once I achieve a high enough emotional connection, some sort of attraction develops and sex is an option. just an option. if the relationship goes that way, great. if not, I'm still happy.

- I am not romance-repulsed in the cultural sense. I'm not in any way squicked out by love songs, rom coms or valentines day tat. I am frustrated that our culture is quite so saturated with this stuff, and that the romance shown is so narrow (heteronormative, sexual, monogamous, only showing young, conventionally attractive women (even if older men are fine), etc.), but it's not a visceral reaction in the same way.

- in the rare case that someone gets past my sex repulsion, I see "pretty" differently. and not just for them. there's a youtuber called Tom Scott who is suddenly very pretty in an abstract sense. he looks nothing like the person I'm actually attracted to, and irl sex with him is definitely not an option, but from the distance of the screen he's definitely pretty in a way he wouldn't be otherwise.wtf, brain?

- I really want kissing & snuggle time. non-euphemism bed sharing is kinda the point. these are the things I actively fantasise about, and can't imagine living without. I am currently living without them, but I can't imagine agreeing to be kiss-&-snuggle celibate for the rest of my life.

- there are a lot of words for various bits of the aromantic spectrum. I have tried to make sense of this. I suspect there isn't a bijective function between the identity words and the subjective experience of the people who use them, because there never is. there might be a difference between demi- and greyromantic, but it won't be universal. most likely all the 15 or so words for people-who-maybe-sometimes-feel-romantic-attraction-but-mostly-don't could refer to any of these people and their experiences, and which one you use is more a matter of which one you emotionally bonded to first. this isn't worth trying to figure out.

...and the things that I'm still trying to answer:

- what is romantic attraction? so, now there are 2 things other people feel that make them want to partner up that seem to be outside my experience, so I want to know how they differ. this is made harder by our mainstream culture conflating love, sex & romance as if they are exactly the same thing, and presenting that package deal as a universal human experience.

- what is the attraction that gets past my sex-repulsion? it's great fun, and I want more of it, so figuring this out might help me find it in the future.

- is there a line between good friends and queer platonic partners? where is it? can I have snuggle-time and eventual lizards? or is that called something else? this wouldn't matter, except for asking people out.

- erm, how's the cat?

70 years.

today, I want to talk about patriotism.

I've been raised under the rhetoric, but that's not real. britannia rules the waves? tea & crumpets? princess diana? 2 world wars and 1 world cup? get over yourself.

I love my country, but not for it's monarchy, it's colonial past, it's flag or sporting achievements...

...no, I salute the NHS.

I'm proud to have been born in an NHS hospital. born into a society that believes it's citizens deserve care and dignity, cradle to grave, free at the point of access. truly, this is the highest mark of civilisation.

born at the end of the second world war, the NHS was a glorious, utopian vision for the future, built when we were still reeling, emotionally and financially, from years of war.

but mr cameron & mr duncan-smith will never need it. utopia has no place for their self interest. a tory majority is an illness with potentially deadly complications for the NHS.

the VE day anniversary celebrations are on TV. I can't feel anything about that. WWII feels less and less relevant as we forget more and more of the lessons we supposedly learned from it.

terrible things happen when you blame all your problems on a vulnerable minority.

lest we forget.

how to fill out ESA forms, the easy way.

so, my friend has been trying to help me deal with the bureaucracy involved in claiming benefits. I suck at bureaucracy. UK benefits level of bureaucracy is very advanced adulting, thank you very much daily mail culture.

so, the powers that be sent a confusing waste of trees across 4 envelopes to my house. 2 of these were basically the same thing (please send us a doctor's note/if you don't send us a doctor's note you won't get paid) and one was basically a yes. the last one contained the abomination known as the ESA50.

the ESA50 is the dreaded prove-how-dysfunctional-you-really-are form. I went through writing names & addresses and ticking boxes. the long answers were harder. I resisted the temptation to write "I struggle with open ended questions due to disability, I want an easier form" under everything.

the first long question was that perennial favourite of NTs "so, how does your disability affect you?". interesting. how does being me affect me? I really have no idea. what does that question even mean? if being me didn't affect me, would I even be here to notice? hmmmm. of course, I know NTs raised within an NT centric culture don't see it that way, so I try to make some intelligent guesses about which bits of my experience they might pathologise in various ways. this works fine for Autism & dyspraxia, sort of. the NTs have left a clue! there are bullet points under the question, suggesting amongst other things that I write about any aids I use. I have a backup communication device permanently attached to the strap of my rucksack in case I lose the use of my vocal chords. it's more sensibly described as a "pen", and is mostly a preventative measure, but they did ask. I can't do the mental health stuff. next daft question...

...communication difficulties. yes, I have those. why are they asking this in the physical disabilities section? I make notes & move on...

...starting and finishing tasks. I didn't know where to start. the irony is strong with this one...

...coping with change. here we go with the stereotypes. I think I'm basically fine with change, but they include stuff like my train being delayed. that causes panic for reasons that have fuck all to do with an irrational, rigid sense that "it should be this way and anything else is wrong". I make some notes anyway...

...do I struggle meeting people? again, the examples given suggest I do, but in my mind? no, I love doing things with my fellow humans. it's just getting to the meeting place and finding the specific human I've arranged to meet, without having any ability to feel time passing. more notes, nearly done...

so, me, my notes and the form get on 2 buses to go see a friend who understands this shit. they understand why it's difficult, too. that's possibly more important than understanding the form. they also donate their handwriting, as mine is worthy of the NHS. they add a lot of things to the first question, possibly because that small amount of distance makes it easier to see how I affect me. I don't ask them about the deeper philosophical implications of the question. after 3 attempts to get a list of the effects of my mental health issues that all ended in me feeling shaky and wanting hugs (with knitting breaks) they gave up & wrote that I found the subject too distressing.

they felt it was probably sensible to talk about neurological communication issues in the physical disabilities section, as there wasn't a box for it in the neurological section. so we did that.

over the page, why did I tick to say my hazard awareness was fine? I thought it was. isn't it fine? the examples sound like cooking. I cook. I've only melted 1 chopping board...what do you mean, NTs don't set fire to the oven gloves? but it won't happen again, we have an electric hob, you can't set fire to the oven gloves with an electric hob (can you?). yes, OK, there was that other fire, but it was fully contained within the saucepan. I wasn't really going to burn down my halls. you're sure NTs don't do these things? not even when they're young & still learning?

(I still maintain my cooking is fine. I've never given anyone food poisoning, or injured myself or anyone else enough to require medical assistance, and I am able to put the oven gloves out if I need to...)

and that was all we managed to get done. to be continued...

undating

so, this is clearly too late for valentines day. screw that noise anyway.

no, this is about trashy TV. while channel-hopping recently, I found "the (un)datables". normally, I cringe at the yucky inspiration porn and flick on up, but 1. my ex's brother was on & 2. there isn't much happening beyond 4seven anyway. the episode I saw revisited a bisexual woman with tourettes & 2 Autistic guys (including said ex's big brother).

firstly, the good points:

• being a documentary (rather than a scripted drama), the bisexual woman was a well rounded, relatable human being. while she was visibly queer (she went on a date with a woman), she was never assumed to be a lesbian (she mentions an ex-boyfriend - not on the date, and the voiceover says she's bi) and her sexuality isn't made out to be A Huge Thing That Her Whole Life Revolves Around. more like this, please.
• Autistic adults! who actually get to speak for themselves. their parents are interviewed as well, but it's in line with documentaries on other subjects (they're showing multiple perspectives on the situation) rather than with most Autism documentaries (where the parent is clearly the focus). now, we just need some female representation and maybe, shock horror, some sexual variation (kinky, queer, happily asexual, your choice, channel 4, actually, please don't do asexual & Autistic, until you've got a bit more experience at doing both well individually. and, please, real kink, not 50 shades crap. I know enough queer Autistics to start a knitting circle, if you're interested...)

but...

WHY? why did they go on the dates they did? both Autistic guys, as far as I remember, exclusively went on dates that were absolutely small talk dependant. I'm as user-friendly as the average NT wants me to be, and nothing sounds less fun than "lets have coffee in the same place and talk about nothing in particular, to try and work out if we want to exchange phone numbers and bodily fluids in the future" (with the possible exception of blood tests. my blood wasn't meant to be "tested").

I wonder who made that decision? if it was the production team, fuck you, channel 4! this is people's lives you're messing with. a bad date might be one wasted afternoon to you, but when dating is made harder by a communication disability, and then further complicated by a culture that systemically erases your existence, the cost is much higher.

if it was the NTs in their lives, or the Autistics themselves, they have my sympathy, but I'm surprised no one made any other suggestion. I saw parents coaching their adult offspring to act as NT as possible on smalltalk-dependant dates with people they'd never met, and I really don't see the point.

if we assume the point of dating is to find a suitable life partner, why are "special interests" a banned topic? I get that NTs wish the Autistic in their lives wasn't quite so into ________, but wouldn't a partner who appreciated or even shared that passion be wonderful? if we're always told "don't talk about ______", we won't talk about ______, and we'll never know. for the record, I love hearing about the things my friends are into. I'll listen & ask questions about it, and be both entertained and educated on a subject I otherwise wouldn't think about very much. then it's my turn and I'll try to explain colour globes, and fractals, and tell them about my current knitting project. banning this stuff would rob me of the best part of my social relationships. if there's a risk of it becoming All About _______, set ground rules (some sort of safe word? timers so each person chooses a subject for 30 minutes, then switch? whatever works). basically, don't act like a completely different person on a date because that won't impress anyone you'll want to share your life with.

and, back to the dates themselves, why just sit & talk? not only does it not sound fun, it sounds functionally useless. go do things together! what things, I hear you ask? well, that depends. it depends on cost, location, the interests & sensory needs of those involved...

...having thought about it, I'd like to go to a paint your own pottery place. we'd get one small thing, and sit in the back corner of the shop with two brushes. the mug/pencil pot would give us something to talk about, and de-awkward any silences. if we wanted the date to last longer, we can get another thing to paint afterwards or go for a drink somewhere else. if we get together, we have the most sickeningly soppy memento of our first date, and if not we just don't go back to collect it. in any case, I'd leave with a much clearer idea of our compatability than I would if we just got a drink.

other ideas:

• cinema then a drink (the film is a thing to talk about, so no need to small talk)
• a museum or gallery
• take a cookery class together, or prepare a meal at one of your houses
• go to a castle, or other historical place of interest
• go shopping? (I had to put a token definitely-not-for-me option)
• do the coffee thing, but take some board games that work with 2 people
• ...or whatever sounds like a fun way to spend time with another human being

if none of these things sound fun to you, and you don't have any suggestion that sound fun to me, we probably shouldn't date. but that's OK. in a sense, a date where you discover you're incompatible with the other person is a successful date. it's only a waste of time if you think it's right because one or both of you were playing a part, or you leave with no idea.

in other news, I managed to forget it was valentines day until walking into a restaurant with a friend and asking for a table for 2. this despite remembering my mum's birthday, knowing that valentines day is always the day after that and capitalism's best efforts to make sure I knew about all the exciting opportunities to buy pink chocolate. I'm a little bit proud of that...

this aint a song for the broken hearted....

...der da da dum dum...

I wish I could ask for help, but no one is "entitled" to friendship.

dysfunctional brain told me it couldn't remember the last time a close friend invited me to do something. I answered "but what about [name]s birthday?". "that's different, you got them a present". I didn't have an answer. I cried.

it's time to start channeling the inner octopus to make sense of this crap.

on the one hand (tentacle?), I could probably just be sensible about it and arrange to do social stuff, but on the other, that isn't really "evidence" against dysfunctional brain. they'll come out if I say I need them, but is that just pity? or if the event sounds fun, but that doesn't mean they want to see me. I don't want to see me.

or they might be too busy, which again is no evidence one way or the other. I've lost track of tentacles.

if anyone is reading this, I don't know what you should do either. I want to see you, but not because I need you, I want you to want to see me but I'm not strong enough to believe that you do. and if you can follow that you're a better octopus wrangler than I am.

in search of Questions.

today I got up early and checked my emails. I did this mostly so that the fear of doing so didn't paralyze me into not checking them for the next 2 weeks. in my inbox was a reply to one of the 3 emails I had sent out that were responsible for this fear, a manageable but surprisingly varied spam collection, and a new post notification from a blog I follow. here is that blog post:

http://lindamadhatter.wordpress.com/2014/09/01/is-there-any-point-to-being-diagnosed-as-an-adult-and-a-thing-or-two-about-executive-functioning-and-routines/

the last paragraph (emphasis mine):

"And this is why having a diagnosis can be a great thing.  It allows us the knowledge we need to not only be a little easier and less judgmental on ourselves when things don’t quite go to plan, however it also allows us to use the same tools as our kids so that we too, can navigate this world which isn’t quite meant for us."

it's not even the main point of the post, but it never occurred to me before. Linda can modify stuff for Autistic kids to help her navigate this adult thing. I can modify stuff for Autistic kids to help me navigate this adult thing. and stuff for dyspraxic kids. andandand...

...it's not perfect. it still means braving places that centre NT parents in ND conversations. there will be toxic self pity. it still means hearing the wrong questions and "well intentioned" abuse. I'll have to translate it all into practical relevance, and many important questions will be missed entirely. but there is a use.

I just have to neurofab it up. and grow it up. and not let the bastards get me down.

there is hope.

(the scary email was good news, btw. just waiting on the other 2)

pocket full of teeth

here is a craft project.

firstly, if you are following a link from ravelry, I should probably warn you, there is very little yarn content in this blog. it is mainly used as a place of ranting by a queer, neurodiverse 20-something. there is sex and stimming and swearing and no guarantee that you will be interested in any of the themes explored in any of the other posts.

this post, however, is a pattern.

as part of a long term mission to bring a sense of order to my life, I have been making little pockets. the knitted ones are smaller versions of simply seamless pouch. the crochet ones, however, are my own original design.

gauge isn't really important, but pick a yarn & hook combination that produces a sturdy fabric in UK DC/US SC. from now on, I will be using UK terms only. I used a 2mm hook and fingering weight yarn.

chain until your foundation chain measures the width of your desired pouch, plus 1. DC in 2nd ch from hook and all remaining ch. DC again in last ch, and continue along the other side of the foundation ch.

when you get back to the start, DC in 1st DC, then 1 DC in each DC of previous row. continue spiralling upwards in this way for 1-1.5".

you have now formed the fip-top of your pocket. DC to the next corner (ie, just above an end of your foundation chain), ch1, turn, DC in each DC from the previous row until you reach the other corner. ch1, turn, DC in each DC. continue in this way, crocheting back & forth until the length (from foundation chain to end) is equal to the height of your desired pocket.

you now have the flip-top and back. to start the next row, sl st to the end of previous row, DC in each DC, sl st to beginning of previous row, sl st to end of next row up, turn, DC in each DC, sl st to beginning. continue to work back and forth, up the front of your pocket, sl st-ing to form the side seams.

when you get to the bottom of the flip top, turn it inside out and continue sl st'ing to the sides on what will be the inside of the top, until 1/4" from the foundation chain. cast off & weave in ends.

when I make pockets to this pattern, there is a tendancy to curl. this might be because I twist stitches somehow, but if not I have found that this becomes less pronounced as the piece gets bigger. if it still wants to twist, this effect will disappear completely after a day or 2 under a heavy book.

optional teeth...

DC red "gums" across the edge of the flip top. with white yarn, Sl in 1st red DC, then ch 6.

DC in 2nd ch from hook, then in next 3 ch. Sl in 2nd red DC, turn.

Sl in 3rd red DC, DC in 2nd white DC, then DC in each of the remaining 2 DCs, turn.

ch 1, DC in 1st & 2nd DC, Sl in 4th red DC, turn.

you have now formed a tooth. repeat these instructions across the opening.