cat memes and competence

so, a meme came up on my facebook feed...


...fuck right off.

there is another, older meme/t-shirt slogan...(that didn't appear on the first page of the google search)

"cat communication is not defective dog communication"

...and us Autistics, felines and assorted others do NOT have "murder buttons".

an incomplete list of Autistics & cats I've shared my life with would include 1 relative, 1 ex partner, 8 I've shared a bed with, 9 I've shared a bedroom with, 11 I've lived with for at least 2 years each, 3 classmates and my union representative. in all my exposure to these individuals, I've never known a single one of them swipe without warning.

I've known a lot of them give "no" and "stop" signals that I swear could be seen from space and understood perfectly by any alien civilisation that might be watching at the time. I've seen these signals ignored by people who claim to love them. fuck that shit.

oh, and we're not above doing it to each other. I saw one name on that hypothetical list turn another upside down against her wishes about an hour ago. he wouldn't put her down, even when I pointed out that she didn't like 1. being upside down & 2. being brought into that specific room.

I know sometimes we have to go to the vets/dentists/wear collars etc. but most of the time? ignoring the signals is a matter of preference for those who have power over us.

(as for how I feel about having my neurology used to question my species? I'm not sure. I get what they're getting at, but I'm no less human than anyone else)

on bacon sandwiches

I've been having a bad time with SPD lately. here is an attempt at a user manual for the trends in my SPD issues.

("trends" in the sense of patterns in the data, there is nothing fashionable about SPD)

firstly, humans have 8 senses (actually, many more, but 8 is enough for our purposes). these are:

1. sight
2. hearing
3. smell
4. touch
5. taste
6. proprioception (where your body parts are in relation to each other. feedback comes from muscles)
7. balance (which way up you are. feedback comes from inner ears)
8. introception (feedback from organs. are you hungry? need to pee?)

the senses that act up for me are smell, touch, taste, proprioception & introception. balance seems unaffected. noise (and strobe lighting) is a problem, but only because it uses extra bandwidth I don't have.

introception (as it relates to food) is basically fucked. I might think I should be hungry because it's 2pm and lunch hasn't happened, but I won't feel it.

proprioception doesn't directly relate to food. if food isn't happening, certain proprioception-seeking behaviours look like a bad idea. I'll probably do them anyway, because running up stairs feels good.

taste is closest-to-normal of all the food related senses, but may be under-stimulated in the moment due to compromise with other senses. I'm likely to want low-smell strong flavours (sharp/salty/sweet/chilli...) alongside plainer foods.

texture is difficult. there isn't enough texture vocabulary to explain. bread is generally bad. 1 wrong texture makes that food inedible, so mono-textured foods are safer. sometimes, certain foods only have an acceptable texture when hot. liquids are sometimes easier than solids, but not coffee. coffee fucks with introception on good days, I don't want to know what it does on bad days.

generally, if my senses are off everything smells stronger. this means exciting food smells are gross.

then there is the other stuff...

nutritional content matters. protein can be hard, but I tend to feel better if I can eat some. fruit is a safe bet, but won't make me more functional on it's own.

also, we're fighting a lot of social conditioning. asking if I'm OK will get a scripted auto-response most of the time. ask something weird. "fish fingers and custard?" doesn't have a script (and due to headcannon, is SPD related in my brain). asking about specific senses might also work (but not introception. introception is fucked).

and then there's the wider social issues. the reason it's hard for me to bring this stuff up. the reason why it's almost impossible for other people. I don't know how to write this. if I write about my experience without acknowledging how I have it easier than my friend, that sucks. but if I speak for them, that might be worse.

the short version? no, you don't really wish you had broken introception to make dieting easier, so don't say it. also, us SPDers come in a wide range of sizes. be the safe person for the SPDer(s) in your life.

a trip to the vets...

the Autistic, English-writing internet talks a lot about presuming competence. presuming competence is one of the founding principles of the neurodiversity model, it's also a prerequisite for treating people with dignity.

"presuming competence" means understanding that the person you're talking to is a Complex Human Being, with their own thoughts, feelings and needs. their inner lives are just as real and complex as your own, and whatever they're doing they're not doing it at you. Presuming Competence is really hard.

that person who speaks in a thick accent? occasionally stumbling over their grammar? well, they're still doing a lot better than you would in their first language.

the small child in the pram, screaming and disturbing the whole bus? clearly they have the self control of a 2 year old because, well, they're 2. they're learning to be part of society, but very much still a trainee human.

most people understand presumed competence in theory, as long as they're only being asked to apply it to experiences they understand. they may fail in practise, and whine about the baby on the bus, but they understand.

if you're neurodiverse, they don't understand. they insist they are presuming competence, and that's why they expect you to use your words, sit still, calm down. they know you're capable, so just do what they want.

I'm 27. I've been officially ND for 20 years, spent 19 years in formal education (both mainstream and "special"), am out as ND to my GP, and have accessed NHS funded mental health care. the first time I was spoken to with presumed competence by someone who had any sort of authority over me while I was having visible communication issues? last month. and she barely counts as having authority over me (fellow member of the organising team at an event, she was more experienced, and so had a sort of social authority but didn't officially outrank me. she also happened to be on duty at the time and I wasn't).

if I want people to see me as fully human, I have to pass for NT. that's fucked up.

so, what happens when you don't presume competence? well, I refuse to see 2 GPs at my local surgery because I know I won't be taken seriously. I'm also currently not interacting with the NHS on mental health unless it's related to my ESA claim. this might change, but not for the foreseeable future. I've also mostly decided not to disclose when I start training to be a counsellor. at most, I might disclose dyspraxia. maybe...

for me, the benefits of actually getting medical or educational support are now not worth the risk of being seen as subhuman in order to access said support. if I had anything life threatening, maybe I'd feel differently. more likely, I'd feel exactly the same way. I'd still be trapped between being human (but with limited access to health care) or going to the vets as a self narrating zoo exhibit.

"you could sell that!"

yes, I know. you mean it as a compliment. most of my friends even get that it's worth good money.

I'm not talking about materials cost + (time spent crafting X minimum wage)

or materials cost + (time spent crafting X london living wage)

or materials cost + ((time spent crafting + time spent marketing, doing accounts, queueing at the post office and all that other crap) X minimum wage)

or materials cost + ((time spent crafting + time spent marketing, doing accounts, queueing at the post office and all that other crap) X london living wage)

although, yes, most of the population actually do think 40 hours of advanced string play is worth about £10 and a bangle that needed to be baked in 5 stages is worth £15. thanks for acknowledging that. and yes, the maths works out slightly better for micro crochet because of the cute factor.

I tried selling anyway. months of build up to 2 weekends of open house sales. 2 days of being socially "on duty" from 8am-5pm, smiling through "it's beautiful, but I'd never wear it", being the young, pretty one sent out with a pile of flyers and brand-coloured tights. 5 days that were in theory "down time" except that I live with my mother, who was also part of the open house, then back on to do the whole thing again.

I sold precisely zero.

the whole experience triggered an SPD flair up. you know how radios have volume knobs? imagine the knob was actually in your ear. now imagine all your senses have volume knobs and some little shit has turned smell & texture up FULL.

smell up full means boiling white rice smells strong enough to make you retch. imagine trying to eat anyway. taste is (relatively) unaffected, so while that rice smells too strong, it somehow still tastes too bland to be appetising, and the texture is all wrong.

it's not worth it because I don't want to live off crackers for a week. again.

(this post was brought to you by other people's ravelry rants and the BiCon lunchtime catering. I need to get better at creative problem solving for this shit, or at least get a few scripts)

if you no what I mean, does it matter what I should of said?

"ain't nobody got time for that"

"and the lord said unto noah..."

"Wheear 'as ta bin sin ah saw thee?
On Ilkla Moor baht'at"

"when shall we three meet again, in thunder, lightning, or in rain?"

"ye banks an brea o bonny doon, ha can ye bloom sae fresh an fair?"

these 5 quotes all have a few things in common.

1. I (and most educated native English speakers) understand all of them.

2. they all use grammar & syntax that would sound wrong if I used them on this blog, or in casual conversation down the pub.

3. in fact, if I used them it would implicitly mock the respective dialects

4. but they are all valid dialects. they have their own grammar rules just as complex as any formal English.

...none of which helps us with the title.

at the BiCon ball, I was non-verbal for at least an hour. there was a code of conduct issue that normally wouldn't bother me, but a combination of guilt (I went into panicked fake-NT-everything-is-fine mode instead of telling him no like a good team member) and background BiCon shit (it's an... intense experience) and let it build up for a while...

...and the people around me were amazing. I mimed writing, and scribbled. I asked to go somewhere quiet, and scribbled some more. there were spelling mistakes, swear words, eccentric punctuation and many crossings out. there was a total lack of eye contact and mouth-based language. I was not passing for NT by any stretch of the imagination. generally, it takes a lot less than that for "well meaning" NT authority figures to totally dismiss my words. I wasn't rushed. when I handed over the paper, it was read silently and handed back. the response was calm and considered, accepting the validity of my words. the response was even spoken, which sped things up and saved me vital paper space.

...just another reason why I love BiCon. but still not directly linked to the title.

I know which there/their/they're, your/you're, know/no and even which/witch I need to use in a given context, but not weather/whether. it wasn't always like this. I remember when I was maybe 11 deciding to memorise the spelling of 1 there and 1 your and forget the apparently dense, arbitrary rules. it was that or give up trying to write. at 27, I get it. I'm doing everything I can not to become one of those arseholes who attempt to shame people into silence over "if you no what I mean", "I should of told him", or "any think". I probably have a stronger visceral reaction than you, because I remember the shame, but for the same reason I have a stronger desire not to humiliate people over this.

(and I try to construct sentences without whether/weather, I remember the humiliation. it still burns)

...and there is the crux of the argument. it is good to know which words to use and how to spell them. it is right that we teach our young how formal, written English works. what's not OK is "@username, *their, didn't you go to school?" whenever you're in an online debate. disagree on content, shout, swear, whatever. but with all my race & class privilege helping me (my "dialect" of spoken English is home counties - that is standard, formal british English with optional add ons for swearing and new-words-we-didn't-know-we-needed) I still actively have to compensate for my wonky brain if I want to avoid ridicule.

so, when it comes down to it, would you chose BiCon or school?

would you stand up for me, or for *should've/quiet hands/learn to spell/look me in the eye/use your words?

(this post has been brought to you by a facebook debate that ended far more amicably than any human interaction containing the words "sanctimonious git" has any reason to. substance over style, kids! it works)

Schrodinger-single!

I've been reading a lot of blogs, and now think I'm aromantic.

this answers some questions, most importantly why I fall in love on a geological timescale, and raises a whole lot more, mostly around the definition of "romance"and "romantic attraction".

here are some things I feel sure of:

- sex-repulsed is basically my default setting. if someone, of any gender, tries to get sexual with me, my instinct is to run away. it doesn't matter who it is, and the urge to escape is just as strong for a pretty acquaintance as it is for my baby brother.

- my sex-repulsion only applies to actual sexual contact involving me. there is nothing repulsive about other people's sex lives, or porn, or kink, or....(as long as it exclusively involves consenting adults, with or without inanimate objects) (actually, certain aspects of other people's sex lives are fascinating)

- occasionally, someone will get past my sexual repulsion. once I achieve a high enough emotional connection, some sort of attraction develops and sex is an option. just an option. if the relationship goes that way, great. if not, I'm still happy.

- I am not romance-repulsed in the cultural sense. I'm not in any way squicked out by love songs, rom coms or valentines day tat. I am frustrated that our culture is quite so saturated with this stuff, and that the romance shown is so narrow (heteronormative, sexual, monogamous, only showing young, conventionally attractive women (even if older men are fine), etc.), but it's not a visceral reaction in the same way.

- in the rare case that someone gets past my sex repulsion, I see "pretty" differently. and not just for them. there's a youtuber called Tom Scott who is suddenly very pretty in an abstract sense. he looks nothing like the person I'm actually attracted to, and irl sex with him is definitely not an option, but from the distance of the screen he's definitely pretty in a way he wouldn't be otherwise.wtf, brain?

- I really want kissing & snuggle time. non-euphemism bed sharing is kinda the point. these are the things I actively fantasise about, and can't imagine living without. I am currently living without them, but I can't imagine agreeing to be kiss-&-snuggle celibate for the rest of my life.

- there are a lot of words for various bits of the aromantic spectrum. I have tried to make sense of this. I suspect there isn't a bijective function between the identity words and the subjective experience of the people who use them, because there never is. there might be a difference between demi- and greyromantic, but it won't be universal. most likely all the 15 or so words for people-who-maybe-sometimes-feel-romantic-attraction-but-mostly-don't could refer to any of these people and their experiences, and which one you use is more a matter of which one you emotionally bonded to first. this isn't worth trying to figure out.

...and the things that I'm still trying to answer:

- what is romantic attraction? so, now there are 2 things other people feel that make them want to partner up that seem to be outside my experience, so I want to know how they differ. this is made harder by our mainstream culture conflating love, sex & romance as if they are exactly the same thing, and presenting that package deal as a universal human experience.

- what is the attraction that gets past my sex-repulsion? it's great fun, and I want more of it, so figuring this out might help me find it in the future.

- is there a line between good friends and queer platonic partners? where is it? can I have snuggle-time and eventual lizards? or is that called something else? this wouldn't matter, except for asking people out.

- erm, how's the cat?

70 years.

today, I want to talk about patriotism.

I've been raised under the rhetoric, but that's not real. britannia rules the waves? tea & crumpets? princess diana? 2 world wars and 1 world cup? get over yourself.

I love my country, but not for it's monarchy, it's colonial past, it's flag or sporting achievements...

...no, I salute the NHS.

I'm proud to have been born in an NHS hospital. born into a society that believes it's citizens deserve care and dignity, cradle to grave, free at the point of access. truly, this is the highest mark of civilisation.

born at the end of the second world war, the NHS was a glorious, utopian vision for the future, built when we were still reeling, emotionally and financially, from years of war.

but mr cameron & mr duncan-smith will never need it. utopia has no place for their self interest. a tory majority is an illness with potentially deadly complications for the NHS.

the VE day anniversary celebrations are on TV. I can't feel anything about that. WWII feels less and less relevant as we forget more and more of the lessons we supposedly learned from it.

terrible things happen when you blame all your problems on a vulnerable minority.

lest we forget.